As you may or may not already know, we’re throwing a big going-away party, dubbed “KillerBeerFest 3.5” for Angelo M. De Ieso II this Sunday at Bailey’s Taproom from 2 PM until 10 PM, and you are, of course, cordially invited. The beer list (available here), is nothing short of staggering. Seriously, this is a list of jean-creaming sublimity. God Himself is thankful this event falls on a Sunday, because that’s his day off, and he’s planning on popping in for a couple pints if he can convince Kali Ma to drop his grudge against Burnside Brewing long enough to pilot the winged steed Pegasus down here that day.
In case you’ve been living in a cave without Wi-Fi and haven’t heard of Angelo M. De Ieso II, I assure you it’s not a made-up name. Anyway, all you really need to know is that he’s the webmaestro behind Brewpublic, arguably the best website in the history of Northwestern civilization, and not to be confused with Angelo’s other website Brewpubic, which is just close-up photos of Angelo’s schlong covered up by various beer bottles.
Unfortunately for a great many of us, Angelo is leaving Portland, Oregon to move to San Francisco, California where his newly betrothed, Mrs. Ashley V. Routson-De Ieso III, also known as the Beer Wench, has things like a career and a place to live and probably a fridge full of free Bison beer that Angelo plans to totally leech. The purpose of this fest, besides giving all you people who don’t give two shits about Angelo the opportunity to drink some ridiculously amazing beer, is to get all of Angelo’s friends in one place to stage an intervention where we prevent him from moving out of town…
No, wait, sorry. The purpose is to wish him fond farewells and best of luck in his new life and get a little emotional and misty-eyed in the process… but in a total manly way, of course.
No, wait, sorry. That’s a lie, too. The real reason is to get rid of Angelo for good! Let me explain.
The real reason I’m writing today is to expose Angelo M. De Ieso II for the man he really is. For the record, I’m putting myself at great personal risk even putting word to digital paper like this, let alone broadcasting this over a blog site that gets global attention somewhere along the lines of between 7 and 14 hits a day. When Angelo M. De Ieso II learns of what I’m about to reveal, my life won’t be worth the backwash you leave at the bottom of your pint glass.
The truth is that this is all a carefully orchestrated conspiracy that goes all the way up to the highest echelons of craft brewing industry power. That’s right. We’re talking about the men and women in positions of supreme importance in modern society: the people who run your favorite bars, the executives in charge of your favorite breweries, and yes, even the brewers of your favorite beers.
These individuals have banded together in secret, like a postmodern Illuminati, to send Angelo M. De Ieso II to California, to get him out of their beard hair and bald spots once and for all.
I won’t get into the convoluted machinations of how they convinced two people to fall in love with one another or how the two lovers were meticulously manipulated into emigrating somewhere with a paltry twenty-five breweries. Suffice it to say that the details are mostly unimportant, mostly because I don’t have the kind of imagination required to create a backstory for this absurd premise. What’s most vital to understand is that while the masterminds behind this conspiracy are by no means blameless in this situation, they are in some ways justified in their conniving trickery.
Because, you see, ***SPOILER WARNING*** the truth is that Angelo M. De Ieso II is a stone cold gangster who has been intimidating craft brewers in the Pacific Northwest for the past fourteen years.
Cliffhanger! For the rest of this blog post, click below for PART TWO!