KillerBeerFest 5: Seizure the Day!

Angelo flashing his mad stacks right before learning his hospital tab amounts to $200,000.

Angelo flashing his mad stacks moments before receiving his hospital tab.

You know, I was actually considering going easy on the guy this year.

Angelo De Ieso II, for those of you who don’t already know, is one of Oregon’s favorite bloggers, beer industry personalities, and ale-centric event planners, as in this Saturday, October 26th’s KillerBeerFest at Bailey’s Taproom. However, if your only exposure to Angelo is via this blog, you probably know him as the Anti-Christ who’s been bullying Oregon brewers for years and may have been involved in a far-reaching conspiracy involving Cylon Mitt Romney, the Mayan Apocalypse, and an inevitable De Ieso presidency in 2016. Since everything you read on this blog is absolutely 100% accurate 75% of the time, you can take it from me that this guy is trouble with a capital BS.

But the fact of the matter is: dude’s had a rough year. He got a divorce, had to retreat to the rain after a year in sunny Cali, and to top it all off, he just learned he has a brain tumor. And you thought your life sucked because you missed Pliny the Younger the last time Saraveza raffled tickets for the chance to buy it.

Anyway, I don’t want to kick a guy when he’s down, so I’m not going to belittle Angelo for getting a divorce before the ink had dried on his marriage papers, or trash talk him for returning to Oregon after making such a big deal about embarking on a whole new life in California. That would be a real dick move, or as Angelo himself would say, that would be harsh, bro.

So instead, I’m going to make fun of his brain tumor.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and you can relax. Dude can’t sue me for libel at this point. He’s so far in debt, he couldn’t afford a public defender.

For those of you who don’t know, Angelo got hit all of a sudden with what’s known as a grand mal seizure, or to translate literally, “big bad seizure.” Here’s what the experts say about these kinds of seizures, courtesy of the Internets:

“A grand mal seizure is caused by abnormal electrical activity in the brain and results in losing consciousness and violent muscle contractions. Typical symptoms include involuntary screaming, because the muscles around the vocal cords seize, which forces air out, as well as persistent unconsciousness after the seizure, confusion, fatigue, severe headache, and loss of bowel and bladder control. Most commonly contracted by assholes from New England.”

Unfortunately, it turns out that this big bad seizure was just the top piece of bread in the shit sandwich that A-BOMB got served. Doctors learned that the seizures were being caused by a tumor on Angelo’s brain, which was inoperable. If they tried to remove it, Angelo would either die or be paralyzed for the rest of his life. What they could do, however, is cut open his cranium, take a small sample of the tumor, and determine whether it was cancerous or not.

The good news–nix that, the GREAT news–is that it’s benign.

The bad news is that the doctors lost so many saw blades trying to cut through Angelo’s dense cranium and wasted so much time and so many microscopes searching for his elusive “brain”  that they starting running up quite the tab. Good thing we live in a country with such a flawless health care system that takes care of its citizens and doesn’t rip them off when they are in dire need of quality care.

Oh, wait. No, that’s not what I meant to say at all.

I mean to say, our boy Angelo owes $200,000.

That’s right. For those of you in the cheap seats, I’ll say it a little louder: $200,000.

Now, I know what you’re thinking; you thought this post was supposed to at least be amusing, maybe a little silly and humorous, but this is depressing, bleak stuff here, man. I’m harshing your buzz, right? Well, the good news is that living with a brain tumor, seizures, and a $200,000 debt is actually not nearly as bad as it sounds. In fact, there are actually a few awesome advantages. I called Angelo directly to find out what some of them were.


3 responses

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *